everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
