I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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