yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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