He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
