Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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