I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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