OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
