The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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