The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
