the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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