OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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