im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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