I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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