I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
