I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
