I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
