THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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