i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
