i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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