why didn't you poke me back
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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