I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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