The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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