Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
