Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
