I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
