i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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