Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
