my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
