I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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