First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
