Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
