bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
