I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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