paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
