He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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