I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
