I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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