my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
