Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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