nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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