i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I AM VODKA MAN
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
