just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
