i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
