I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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