I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
