apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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