He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
