I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
