I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
