I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Can you bring me the toilet please
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
